Monday, August 11, 2014

Aretha Tesla: Not About Me (Or Written from my Perspective)

A man in a leather coat laughed hysterically in the corner of an empty alley at two o'clock in the morning. I'm not listening to you yes you are shut up
another scream added to twenty others but they never fused together like a chorus instead clamoring individually like the opposite of a vacuum and always exploding and each one different
you're weak shut up that trick won't work on me and you know it you must be getting desperate you know you're weak and weaker all the time and we'll catch up
if you cover the illusions I'll keep whispering and you start screaming and if we push hard enough maybe agreed
The laughing stopped. He didn't know how much time had passed. He didn't care. He had to
Adra she's probably dying you used to be so powerful look at you now please I wish I never wanted to know what happened me I wish you would just keep me in that I don't want to think he's never been so quiet have you noticed of course he's finished and so are the rest of us if we don't Adra she's probably dead no stop that never works it only makes him worse opposite of a vacuum power vacuum power just calm down, pull himself together,  and get back home. But then his mind was splitting with thoughts and screams and white pain and desperation and he lost track of what was his and couldn't think what's a thought? Aretha. But she was small. He shouldn't be hearing her.
I'm not small I will never be small I am so loud now you can't keep me forever no he meant me why are you even here you pathetic whisper
And then he was fighting himself fighting himself fighting himself all over again. It shouldn't be getting this far shouldn't be shouldn't be never has you're losing it hello there desperate desperate I'm mine now go away and then there was panic and he let it build if I'm mine now I can feel plenty of fear can't I and no matter what you have I'm the only one here who can stand this much

The pain grew instantaneously. It grew until there was nothing left in existence than this and screaming was nothing and everything was nothing and worthless. And the only one capable of pushing it willingly that far forward was the only one faintly able to think at the end of it. For a few blissful seconds, everyone else was quieter. Still never quiet. But he allowed himself a grin. He was still winning.

A few more seconds, and he realized that his eyes were closed. He opened them. A few more, and he checked the time. Exactly two o'clock. He checked the seconds. Only forty three had passed. He spent the last forty three seconds opening his eyes and looking at the time so what was left was almost nothing and it was getting worse and he wanted to sigh but. He wouldn't dare let his grin falter. He was still winning.

And then he was back home at 2:01, and he pulled his Adra into him while she slept. She was soft, and beyond beautiful, and he loved her heart and the smell of her hair and her eyes and her mind and her and he lost himself in it. He knew she was there, he could feel her breathing, he heard everything inside her working properly, smoothly, and he left himself just the slightest bit vulnerable to fix her dreams, so he knew also that he would stay here with her, safe from himself for at least a few moments. Still, he would keep himself from falling asleep.

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